Audio R4NT #3

We've all seen these disgustingly obvious adverts during the movies and on TV for enlisting in various government arms. In other words, the Army, the Navy, the Marines, blah blah blah. Now, you know, I appreciate that being in the Army or the Marines or such is an experience, and that if you don't feel that going into university is the thing for you to do,

this is an avenue you can take to get an education and training in fields that interest you. You know, that's great. I have nothing against improving the self. But I do have a problem with the shameless whoring of a non-reality every four seconds by an organization so desperate for people

that it would sponsor the Superstation TV movie of the week. That tells me that something is totally fucked, not that everything is A-OK.

So let's name the old culprit here, you know, the fiend who used the candlestick in the library to dispatch Professor Plum, the U.S. Navy. The U.S. Navy has got a lot of shit on its permanent record that does not reflect well. In fact, crime rates in port towns actually skyrocket when Navy ships dock for shore leave.

Now, am I saying that all people in the Navy are crooks?

No. Well, okay, yeah,

I am. But extreme right-wing, arrogant views is what makes the free world what it is. Now, shows like JAG don't make me think that the Navy has this myriad emotional, professional contexts, you know, and that you're going to get a whole sampler plate of all these different things you can do and your life is going to be changed.

It makes me think that the Navy has so many fucking criminals in it that they can endlessly churn out scripts about lawyers who try to fix all the douchebag blow-ups that constantly happen. For some reason, though, they seem to think that portraying Navy personnel in life-or-death situations will inspire the young men and women,

although they still ostracize women all the time, into jumping on for a hitch in the salty brine. They never bother to mention the hundreds of shit-eating jobs that Navy personnel have to engage in. The only people you get to watch on TV are airmen and captains and officers,

positions that it takes a few years to achieve, and meanwhile, you get to swab the poop deck, which is a euphemism for being fucked, thank you very much. I think the Navy slogan speaks to the problem. You know, the Army and Marines, they got some cool shit. They got some sweet sayings, you know, stuff like

Semper Fi, do or die, and you know, an army of one, and hoo-ah, and all that other crap. But what's that say to people who want to join those services? You know, it says, "Hey you, the jock who got a really bad mark in English, and you have no possible future other than the sale of quality used motors, or pimping industrial cleaning products to corporations that couldn't care less

if they cleaned their production lines with animal piss, and the only reason they still buy it from you is because it's actually cheaper than animal piss. Why don't you forget the dreary small-town woes of middle America and join up with a group of other like-minded or not people who want to smash in the crotch of a faceless enemy

in revenge for being convicted of the crime of being too much of a loser tool to think of anything better to do with your life." And the kids eat it up. If you've got no ambition for school, which I can't really blame you, and you can't do the endless list of shitty, meaningless tasks that any post-secondary scholastic body wants you to perform in order to prove that you have a bigger

encephalograph spike than a Tasmanian spider monkey on PCP,

so they can direct you to take English again for no better reason other than they had to do it themselves, and they can't let it go in the bitter, then you can be a part of the salty crew that manned such aptly named vessels as the USS Alamo. You know, the Navy habit of naming things after memorable moments in history

is heart-touching, but I think it's a little dark in its underlying meaning. Frankly, naming the vessel I hope to float my ass home in after a Texan fort that was overrun by Mexican natives and everyone inside was shot doesn't really give me the shining light of hope in my heart.

You know, while you're at it, why don't we christen the USS Bounty and the USS Space Shuttle explosion? Why don't we lash together a few rotten logs with bailing twine and get ourselves the USS Enterprise, throw ourself a nuclear generator on that

bad boy, and let the fucking thing melt down in Fish Creek Park?

But I digress. The Navy motto, "Accelerate your life." What the fuck does that mean? That's something I expect to see on the side of a sport drink bottle, or like a gum ad. This organization is responsible for saving lives in World Wars, and they got the Three Stooges doing their PR campaign.

It speaks to the obsolescence of the Navy in its current form, and I don't know what's needed to fix it. All I know is they've got their heads directly shoved up their asses, and 40 conspiracies a week come floatin' out the door. So the first step, though, stop advertising the Navy with movies on TV that are watched by people who can't even pass the Navy

physical.