2008
2006
ARTICLE
Ode to the Nurses
by Crom
I had been asked a number of times how I would rate the pain: 1 to 10. I asked if there was a higher number available, I said I was dying. To be fair, I really thought I was.
ARTICLE
Crom Vs. Canadian Club
by Crom
Let's get one thing straight, I don't drink rye all that often. In fact I hold firm to the belief that when you drink rye, you're basically priming yourself to get into a fist fight.
ARTICLE
Crom Interviews: Mumm-Ra
by Crom
Crom's subject this issue is The Ever Living devil priest of Third Earth. The sound of his maniacal laugh emenating from his dreaded Black Pyramid makes the blood run cold of any man, woman, or feline.
ARTICLE
The Real Canadian Fighting Potion Pt.1
by Crom
No way out. He sighed, and began reading the case notes for the blue sheet, trying to discover how an object no more dangerous then a hacky-sack had killed someone.
2005
ARTICLE
First R4NT
by Crom
Do you remember the first time you ever read r4nt? I do. I remember because it was the original issue, and it wasn’t even live on the internet yet..
ARTICLE
Poison Devil Mac
by Crom
You can’t deny the esthetic of Apple products; you may want to in some delirious need to prove you aren’t in love with the idea, but you’d be lying to yourself
ARTICLE
The Office
by Crom
In every office I’ve ever been in people have had a tacit arrangement to accumulate swag. Not useful or fun stuff either, just random junk that proves you’re a little bit better then everyone around you.
ARTICLE
Crom Vs. EA Games: The Battle for Fun
by Crom
I pray that one day the people at last throw down the shackles of EA oppression and realize that bigger and better is achieved by quality and not by the power of a corrupt and merciless Brand name.
ARTICLE
Crom Interviews Serpentor
by Crom
A notorious leader of hundred of battle hardened zealots Born from the genetic material of some of histories greatest conquerors and the twisted genius of Dr. Mindbender.
ARTICLE
Practical Jokes that are truly Practical
by Crom
You ever see those signs on the side of the road that ask "Got junk?" and then have the phone number of some lunatic with a box truck who'll charge you fifty thousand times what the dump will charge you
ARTICLE
A Dying Reality TV Producer
by Crom
How come nobody ever thought about having a show, where the contestants have a roast beef fight? You know, running around, laughing, and throwing freshly sliced, warm roast beef.
ARTICLE
Manifesto of a Fat Kid
by Crom
I'm telling you to laugh at the sun. Cry when your rivals fall, praise them when they do well. Clap hardest at the worst street play, believe that your power can make them better, believe you can raise the bar.
ARTICLE
Dear Steve Jobs
by Crom
Are you Sowing the seeds of Utopia? Have you recently had a keynote speech that made my bowels shatter a toilet? Probably.
ARTICLE
Crom's Report Card from the Vincent Price School of Ghoulish Behavior
by Crom
It should be mentioned that the only reason that Crom acheived the grade he did, was the already latently bizarre nature of his mode of speech.
2004
ARTICLE
Douglas Adams VS. Crom: Literary Showdown
by Crom
An ego that teeters from brazenly cocky to china doll fragile like the precarious seat of an over-worked rickshaw.
ARTICLE
Possible Conspiracies Against Me
by Crom
I've come to realize that these conspiracies reaches all points of commerce and politics at work in the world today.
ARTICLE
North by Northwest
by Crom
I'm breaking the old R4NT technology out of the cedar chest and busting yet another editorial cap in the ass of another victim.
ARTICLE
An Open Letter of Apology to My Parents
by Crom
I'm sorry i threw up on the upstairs carpet. I didn't intend to puke all over the rug, it just happened, i was 9, cut me some slack, please.
ARTICLE
Things I'd Steal Were I Homeless
by Crom
Plan the items I will no doubt require when I am finally bequeathed to the warm bosom of concretes loving embrace.
ARTICLE
Bad Religion - The Empire Strikes First
by Crom
You feel like a student in the classroom; you learn not only from the words, but the sounds and pace of their music.
ARTICLE
Bad Dreams
by Crom
I'm partially awake, and I know I should just get up, just roll the hell out of bed and get a glass of water, and dispel the visions but I don't.
ARTICLE
The 2004 Eddies
by Crom
A night long bacchanalia honoring the submissions for TV spots and new this year: print ads all featuring Big Rock beer.
ARTICLE
Menthols
by Crom
One of those grimy pre-spring days, when all the grass is visible from the warmth, but dead and brown from a lack of sun and water..
ARTICLE
A Brief History of my Closet
by Crom
The Clothes were a sloth like people, living wherever they chose, and choking up traffic and putrefying the air..
ARTICLE
Dear Uncle
by Crom
After his success with the invention of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell wrote a letter to his uncle, who was also an inventor..
ARTICLE
In Flames - Reroute to Remain
by Crom
All things known to man have gone through two questions by everyone, What is it? And why should I care? And this album was no different when I was first told of…
ARTICLE
Crom's Letter to the Editor of Cosmopolitan
by Crom
.your magazine being so obviously targeted at women in the early twenties to late forties, it begs the question, what could I, a 25 year old Male Canadian really have to say about Cosmo..
ARTICLE
Interview: Magneto (From Xmen)
by Crom
His pragmatic view of previous human encounters with his mutant brethren, this leader of current dark underground believes that humanity isn't capable of dealing with him and his kind, ladies and gentlemen, today's interview is with... Magneto!
ARTICLE
The .ini-way to hell
by Crom
Musicmatch sucks more then a vacu-flo, and with less usefulness around the house. Like so many companies they thought that they needed to reengineer the way that music is organized and played..
ARTICLE
I wrote a book in high school
by Crom
I'll write something so awesome it will cave in my skull with its greatness and I'll spend 13 months in ICU before being discharged as a homecare vegetable.
2003
ARTICLE
Hiatus
by Crom
I'll now endeavor to be one of those specials they have on day time talk shows where I need to be moved out of my home via forklift, and I have bedsores from years passed..
ARTICLE
If their Bourgeois friends can't handle it, let 'em riot
by Crom
So he goes to court, he gets fined, except they have no god damn money, so they'll go to jail, for a week, get released and put back out on the street with sweet FA and be right back to square one..
ARTICLE
The Abuse of Power Hour
by Crom
Striking an almost ghostly resemblance to the agents from the matrix these hard jawed Dudley Do-Rights have far more power then cops. They can detain you for any length of time, unlike the cops. And can have little to no justification for doing so..
ARTICLE
Rented Demented
by Crom
..there's a process that infuriates me far more then flying, that makes me want to take hostages, and negotiate with no one..
ARTICLE
KKD An Audio R4NT
by Crom
These people are there, like omega man, in the dark, waiting. Nobody sees, but I do. Nobody sees, the krispy kreme disease...
ARTICLE
Derelict?
by Crom
The former Soviet Union was right. Americans are fat... and stupid. They are decadent, and wasteful. I'm certain however, that the same could be said for many nations and peoples..
ARTICLE
Sin City
by Crom
The rampant gambling infection, in every nook and cranny, lends some seediness to places that would be alright, if they didn't have some vacant eyed grandma, blowing her life savings, sitting right next to you..
ARTICLE
SARS-castic: an Audio R4NT
by Crom
If they’ve been worshipping their TV so much that they wear the mask in the first place, haven’t they been convinced by Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the news elite, that SARS is impervious to anti-bodies, leaps tall buildings in a single bound, and can infect you by knowledge of the virus alone...
ARTICLE
Sony CyberShot DCS-P32
by Crom
Sony's little cybershot is indeed handy. Fast, light and sleek looking it appeals to the esthetic and the technical. I picked up this bad boy in order to have a…
ARTICLE
Audio R4NT #3
by Crom
Tune in and hear it for yourself
ARTICLE
Food for Thought
by Crom
..or some reason, most people seem to believe that there are a hundred people behind a curtain at their local Denny's just trying to get everything perfect, as if the Queen of England were dining there..
ARTICLE
Audio Rant #2
by Crom
..you wanna become one of the technical elite. You want to jump into some technical institute , grab as much computer knowledge as you can, and then shuck off the current pathetic job you have and make big bucks as a technician. You figure that a few months of intense computer training will imbibe you with the knowledge and experience you need to make you the kind of techie that companies the world over will thirst for..
ARTICLE
Large, and in Charge.
by Crom
Obviously people do drugs in order to gain an edge, but I personally would rather hone an edge through blood and sweat. I've seen varied opinions about juice over the years, those that swear by it claiming that there are no ill effects to proper usage, those who curse its name, and those who've become lesser men and women for their transgressions. I'm going to set the record straight.
ARTICLE
Rip. Mix. Burn. Lame.
by Crom
In their haste to scoff at internet distribution of albums because of the supposed lack of guaranteed funds, they were backdoored in the pooper by us, the music hungry masses..
ARTICLE
This is One Whacky Gameshow
by Crom
..everything has become a state of apprehension again. People walk around their daily lives, afraid. Afraid not only of a threat of terrorists and dictators, but of their own government..
ARTICLE
Political Accoutrement
by Crom
we have the leader of the free world, embarrassing us once again. The whole socio/political world loves to include itself into the pop world. In obvious attempts to crack open the minds of the people and slip in under their radar as yet another of the Hollywood / Madison Avenue produced gems we all fall to our knees and worship with regular frequency..
ARTICLE
Bloodshot SkEyes
by Crom
Your equilibrium is shot, muscle control is gone and you can barely remember why you did this to yourself in the first place. That's right campers, you got the hangover..
ARTICLE
The United States of America can kiss my ass
by Crom
the American people elected a fucking cowboy to office. They put their fate into the hands of a man I wouldn't trust with an elastic gun. A man who had the temerity to state he didn't discount the possibility of using nuclear weapons against countries that have weapons of mass destruction..
2002
ARTICLE
U. S. S. R you stupid?
by Crom
If I was a farmer and you showed up and said "Hey McDonald, why don't you fork over your potato crop to the G man so we can redistribute it to the masses, and we'll give you this nifty blanket and tin of coffee" Jesus. You better hope I don't have a shotgun handy, or a shovel. I'd drop an anvil on your head.
ARTICLE
Crom feat. Whoever is popular this week?
by Crom
That's what we have to look forward to, an entire world of mixed together techno-country-rock ballads whose purpose is to define the youth of today as being something different from their parents..
ARTICLE
Audio R4NT
by Crom
We live vicariously through all these sad documentaries, while clutching hopelessly to our sense of security like a childs safety blanket. I think we’ve grown so detached from our neighbors and co-workers that we glue ourselves to the tube and witness these things in some attempt to understand them..
ARTICLE
Grocery Shopping: A treatise on tactical espionage
by Crom
A place where only those with the strongest wit and fastest reflexes will survive; so to make the grocery shopping experiences of the future easier I've compiled several techniques for coming out on top of the food race..
ARTICLE
Switchblade Comb
by Crom
If you can't hack it to the point where you let your kid die, or beat him, or abuse him in any fashion, then you're out of the game. It's obvious that you're a fuck up and don't deserve the trust of the majority in taking care of another human being..
ARTICLE
Walk Away
by Crom
..So many people speak of a job that's more then a job. Something they can care about. And, any job is pointless if you care nothing for it. Unless you're whole motivation is to receive that glorious pay cheque every 2 weeks.
ARTICLE
Movie: xXx
by Crom
The highly anticipated sequel to Fast and the Furious…. No wait. Like a few people I was eagerly anticipating the release of Triple X. Being an avid follower of…
ARTICLE
Insider Trader Living
by Crom
..The judicial system of North America is a deflated tire, on a broken down buick. Rusty doors and broken off side mirrors, complimented by a fat, lazy, stupid, on the take, son of a bitch driving it..
ARTICLE
Soda Pop will destroy the universe
by Crom
..They'll battle it out over the precious remaining ingredients in the world, and kill each other for last drops of caramel colour..
ARTICLE
The 6 ½ reasons I woke up drunk in Perkins
by Crom
..what chain of events were so skewed as to leave me stranded at a all night diner, a long way from home, extremely inebriated and with little to no recollection of the past 24 hours..
ARTICLE
I'd try to win the Canadian Rocks House party contest..
by Crom
..the phenomenon of Molson Canadian, is more a mental state, then an actual refreshing beverage..
ARTICLE
...With a Fistful of Napalm®
by Crom
..How come I'm not out right now on the streets of Calgary, with an AK47, listening to a police scanner, just waiting to grease some people?..
ARTICLE
Diamond in the shit
by Crom
..The sad part is that somehow, even if I were to bomb all the theaters , a la Capone boot liquor styles, they would somehow make some money off this piece of shit.
ARTICLE
Stepping Up
by Crom
It would be nice, once in awhile to have someone assume you actually know something, and that you weren't hired on to do the job because you'd work for a tuna-salad sandwich everyday..
ARTICLE
Unlock the Secret Money Making Power of the Internet
by Crom
..how exactly could I have been intimately familiar with the workings of the on-line world, and have missed this money making magic..
ARTICLE
Fireball X10
by Crom
...No one is buying this thing, everyone I've ever talked to hates the company for their incessant advertising campaign...
ARTICLE
Crap and the City
by Crom
The onslaught of garbage on at 2 a.m. is a graduate paper unto itself, and amidst this flow of electronic crappica resides the evil known as sitcoms...
ARTICLE
Old Skool Movie Review: The Natural
by Crom
Old Skool Movie Review This months classic: The Natural The American pastime: Baseball. There have been countless movies about the game, and the history of play…
ARTICLE
Originality, the forgotten lore
by Crom
...It seems that anytime a movie deviates from the expected outcome, it's considered a marvel of cinematography...
2001
ARTICLE
Old Skool Movie Review: Sneakers
by Crom
Old Skool Movie Review This months classic: Sneakers For the most part, movies involving computer hacking or the use of computers, grossly over visualize the ha…
ARTICLE
GI JOE could beat up your dad
by Crom
...He couldn't bend at the knees, or elbows. Once again I was forced to compare this toy to the toys of my youth. GI JOE...
ARTICLE
Old Skool Movie Review: Rambo II
by Crom
Old Skool Movie Review This months classic: RAMBO First Blood Part II There are few people over the age of 15 that haven't seen this movie. It embodies the clas…
ARTICLE
Cheech and Chong's Halloween
by Crom
...I filled up a cup of beer and struck up a conversation with a nearby party patron. I recall having the beer power...
ARTICLE
Playing into their hands
by Crom
...These radio stations could air their DJ's making farting noises all day long and there's Sweet Fuck All that we could do about it...
ARTICLE
Fear and Loathing
by Crom
...Once you've reached the point where all the things you once knew have become smoke and mirrors, you have to reboot the system...
ARTICLE
Ground control to Major Tom
by Crom
...I figure if you want to have true reality programming, get about 150 guys together, promise them a small appliance, and leave them in a dirt pit with nothing but Beer and Angel Dust...
ARTICLE
Chalk it up to the Y
by Crom
...Granted that getting into a girls underwear requires a minimum amount of skill (in some cases), and that for the most part women allow themselves to manipulated...
ARTICLE
Draw the Longbow
by Crom
...He's the guy that gives you advice you don't want or need, he's the guy that has the answer to everything, He's the asshole in our midst...
ARTICLE
Salutatum Decerto
by Crom
...The battle raged through four stages, covering a street scene, a factory, a jungle-like setting and the Shadow Warriors' creepy castle, where a still-armed Willy awaited...
ARTICLE
Call on my brothers
by Crom
...They show up half cut, drink all your booze and wake you up 3 times. The next day they make their excuses and leave...
ARTICLE
Ladies and Gentlemen of the House.
by Crom
...In their 1969, Charger, painted orange with the confederate flag on the top, and named "The General Lee" they raced, burned, jumped, peeled, rocketed, cannon balled and buffed out...
ARTICLE
Bill and Ted's bogus journey
by Crom
...Everything is in blackout, we have no clue what's around us, I just know charlie's up ahead somewhere and that we're gonna take care of him right good...
ARTICLE
The long road home.
by Crom
...Rage helped. Rage always does; it's a powerful fuel. When you're that angry you find it possible to do things that, moments before you were too lazy or tired or drunk to even attempt...
ARTICLE
Misdirection and Confusion: ISBN 0679889582
by Crom
...The genius that thought up this system of organization knew exactly what kind of twisted game he was getting into. This whole cracked-up fun house style design was made on purpose...
ARTICLE
Bruce Banner Time
by Crom
...If I had a nickel for every time some superhero in a tinted-out, too much bass, fuzzy dice, rice'd out, chunk of shit cut me off trying to race down to Metro before the drink specials are over and all the bar sluts are taken...
ARTICLE
Paraiso Perdido
by Crom
...Corporate empires have conspired against the average consumer to slowly raise the price of the established cheap theaters in a sinister plot to curveball higher prices into your budget without your notice...
ARTICLE
Pour Some Sugar On me
by Crom
...The casualties of this war have been piling up and there appears to be no end in sight. Ever since the Backstreet boys and their kind surfaced in the music world, there's been an obvious pattern to new musical groups coming out...
ARTICLE
I made a mistake
by Crom
...If I could get paid the same salary as an entry-level computer programmer to roam around the grasslands playing golf, I'd laugh until my ribs broke...
ARTICLE
The Boy who cried "Hacker!!"
by Crom
...I delight in knowing that I've bested someone on the proverbial battleground. Some may think this is a machoesque computer nerd thing, but I'd rather look on it as the way a chess master feels after a stunning victory...
ARTICLE
Everything was Great… till we brought the wrath of god down on ourselves.
by Crom
..If we don't start getting our heads pulled from our asses, the brimstone will be raining down on our heads, and your patented Eddie Bauer umbrella will last about as long as a gay parade in Revelstoke...