SARS-castic: an Audio R4NT

I'm on my way back from a business trip and I'm working on my laptop, enjoying the plush seating at the San Francisco International Airport, thinking about what time I'll get home. Then I look around at the other passengers heading to Calgary. My eye catches a young Asian girl sleeping and she's wearing a surgical mask. Again, I'm forced not to make a scene in public. Let's take a minute and pull our collective

heads from our asses, folks. Frankly, I think the first and most obvious question that you need to ask is, "What do you think that mask is going to do against the supposedly virulent Andromeda strain they call SARS? Have they been worshipping their TV so much that they wear the mask in the first place? Haven't they been convinced by Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the news elite that SARS is impervious to antibodies and leaps over tall buildings

in a single bound and can infect you by knowledge of the virus alone? Seriously, this disease is bullshit. Its kill ratio is around 4% of infected people and it's been locked down at a Logan's Run style. Malaria kills the same amount of people that SARS has killed in total in a single 48-hour period, but of course, that's a third world country and nobody gives a fuck about those poor souls, do they? If they aren't making our shoes, then what's

the need to care? The amount of people who die from smoking or unprotected sex, you know, things we might actually have a hand in being able to stop ourselves without the hand holding from the medical community. Of course, if we addressed that, we'd have to tell the kids whose parents don't want them to know about sex, about the birds and bees, quote unquote. Of course, these parents somehow managed to live in denial that their children are already

hip to it. They know it. It's already there. So much so that Susie's got pictures of herself in a gang bang and Johnny smoked so much hash the other day, he crapped his pants and had to bury them in the park before coming home. We never want to upset the emotional apple cart of the masses by bringing to light the problems that actually plague us, instead of plagues that aren't really the problem they're made out to be. The media has become

a sensationalist magazine that's desperately trying to whore its product out to the people. And every night, they come on the news, and every morning they print their papers, and the whole game is about making you read their shit. And I have a modicum of respect for tabloids now, because at least they're willing to admit how full of crap they are. Now, it's mad cow in Canada. And naturally, the ever-hair trigger America slams its borders on the beef

trade from Canada, consistently fucking the Albertan farmer up the ass, as well as the rest of the plains, because their inability to grasp the concept. You know, anthrax occurs. Mad cow occurs. They're generally spontaneous developments, and they're going to happen. The reason that Europe shit the bed so bad was because their feed system was contaminated through Johnny Thumb-Fingers, and the bacteria was carried to everybody that the feed system,

you know, catered to. Curtains. You know, and the one incident that was reported in January was contained and destroyed. But of course, that's no good. We need to find out where else it could be. My uncle could not come to my brother's wedding, as he's the head cattle buyer in Saskatchewan. And since they laid off absolutely everyone else, he gets to test every head of cattle they have. Nice. That's great. You know, I think it's

time we held the media accountable for the shameless gouging of the truth that they've been doing. I think we need to put them on trial for gross incompetence and for misleading the masses into a hysteria that borders ever closer to the pitchfork scenes from Frankenstein, in which the American government napalms the quiet Canadian plains in order to sublimate the fear and cowardice of their people into yet another squeaky clean victory in the name

of the stars and stripes. And the spin doctors would be there. They'd be in the cockpit of the jet bombing our nation, giving you the not quite accurate location of troop displacements and assuring the American people that the villainous Canucks, who no doubt engineered this atrocity in order to subvert the power of the US, will be vaporized. You know, I got an idea here. Why don't we hit these cocksuckers where it actually matters, right in their

pocketbooks? Yeah, I got an idea. Maybe we should stop the flow of a few other exports to the US and test them for a few months for problems, huh? Like oil, lumber, and water.

How about that, huh?

You people are a joke.